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Forum:This pitch is for the article Kaoom Kaoom are a sentient species that evolved from herbivores and have evolved themselves beyond need for organic form
This pitch is for the article Kaoom which is a sentient species that evolved from herbivorous quadrupeds and evolved itself beyond the need for a organic body. Military The Kaoom's military is basically ground troops, walkers,robots 15 starships 3000 fighters and 100 troop transports. And more starships are under construction. Their starships are roughly 1 km wide 2 km long and 1 km high. Their fighters are around 5 feet long and 2 feet high with somewhat good shields. Their troop transports are 6 feet high 6 feet long and 6 feet wide. The troop transports have better shields than the fighters. Alliances and enemy's The Kaoom have made 4 allies in their course of exploration only one spacefaring and have made one enemy that they have won against. One of their allies lives on a planet around a neutron star and have rigid exoskeletons,one are insectoid creatures that evolved in subterranean caves on their planet,Another are creatures that live on a moon orbiting a gas giant and due to large gravity there is made large irregular mountains on this planet,Another are amphibious reptilian's living on small islands in their largely oceanic planet. The reason they were enemy's with the other aliens because they attacked the Kaoom seeking to expand their vast empire. Due to the fact that they had so much territory and a relative small amount of ships. All planets were lightly defended so targeting key supply routes,the Kaoom choked their supply's and ceased construction of ships and slowly conquering more of the empire over the course of 10 years they conquered all of the empire. Pets The Kaoom have domesticated two species so far. One amphibious species serve as companions and another species which serve as transportation. Technology The Kaoom are spacefaring and have basic energy weapons. However their way of making glass is quite strange as they have a type of fruit on their planet which has transparent skin so they dry the skin and it makes it kinda like glass. The type of space transportation they use are hyperdrives. They mainly get their ship supplies from a neighboring planet in their solar system. Housing They originally made their homes in skeletons of large predators which they covered in leaves to shelter them from rain then moved them into groups to form community's. then as populations grew they made their houses out of metal and other materials. Reproduction What happens is one Kaoom's energy splits in two energy's and they place that energy into another armor. Government The Kaoom have single Community's of farmers each ran by a wise leader's. There were originally different sections governed by one Kaoom that were counseled by the leaders. Eventually they united into one government. Location in the universe The Kaoom live in the Andromeda galaxy in a small patch of jungle on their planet which is orbiting a white dwarf star. This star is in the farest part of the Jolfur part of the Andromeda galaxy. Battle tactics In ground based battles they prefer to swarm the enemy. In space battles they prefer to send fighters to destroy the engines while the starships do a frontal assault. Evolution The Kaoom were once quadruped herbivores on the planet Shar'Nal and eventually some of them evolved into carnivores with the abundance of prey on the planet. This new carnivore caused the herbivores to evolve defenses which in turn sparked an evolutionary Cold War with the herbivores coming out on top. This caused the carnivores to slowly grow their intelligence to the point of sentience and became omnivores in the process. The lack of unpoisonous creatures for prey caused the sentients to become herbivores and invent agriculture. Millions of years after they were visited by the Skojan who wanting to test out new genetic experiments,evolved the Kaoom to the point they didn't need organic form to survive. The energy they're made of is plasma. History (Pre being evolved beyond need for organic body) The first historical event that happened to the Kaoom was first contact with other sentient species on the planet. This was the the first concept of trade for the Kaoom as they traded their many exotic agricultural products for classes in many of this other sentient species sacred arts. A few hundred years later otherworldly beings arrived on their planet and the Kaoom learned of the workings of space travel by reading the minds of these aliens but didn't know where to get the materials and they thus repaired the alien spacecraft and flew to a nearby planet in their solar system and traded things from their planet for spacecraft material and begun construction on a massive fleet. History (Post being evolved beyond need for a organic body) After being evolved beyond need for a organic body they turned on the aliens and the aliens fled not wanting to have to reason with them. Later the Kaoom explored many solar systems beyond their own. Soon they were attacked by another spacefaring species who they were forced to fight with. A year later they won (with help from other sentients). Physiology and appearance Kaoom typically have diamond shaped heads large eyes and stand only 1.5 feet tall which allows them to have incredibly long lifespans of 530 to 550 years. After evolving themselves beyond need of organic form they were made of energy but the energy would slowly dissipate over a period of time so they made armors to house themselves and to manipulate the world around them better after doing so their armors kept the same basic shape ,diamond head ,1.5 feet tall etc. but lost all organics. The energy that makes them up is plasma. Discussion You are going to need a lot more than this. We need plenty of details and elaborations - there's no such thing as a pitch that's too long. For an idea on how much we expect, take a look at Writing pitch guide.Krayfish (talk) 03:51, April 21, 2013 (UTC) I believe these kinds of creatures are possible, but I don't know whether to support this until I see some more info. Pschycron, the Master of Nonsence A1\-A1 15:45, April 21, 2013 (UTC) You've basically got two choices. Give me more and give me something decent or I'll give you a no. This pitch tells us nothing and non-corporeal beings are extremely difficult to justify under the Rule of Cool. I'll give you a chance to get my attention again, but if you can't give me enough, I can't approve this pitch. --It is so spoken, Nra 'Vadumee (talk) 16:37, April 21, 2013 (UTC) Well, I see you have made an effort to add some elaborations, so I'll give my feedback on what you have now. Firstly, it's highly doubtful that all of the Kaoom's prey was poisonous. Even if this was the case, there would certainly be carnivores there that became immune to the poisons. There's no reason to believe why the Kaoom couldn't do the same. If they did figure out after all, it would be a sign of adaptability, which is crucial for the development of intelligent life. Without any artificial intervention, an organic creature cannot just simply become non-corporeal even after millions of years of evolution. If this really could happen the way you described, it would have done so by now on Earth. An animal has no need to become radically altered in its physiology if there is no evolutionary reason to do so. Planets orbiting white dwarf stars will be tidally locked, so it couldn't possibly be covered entirely in jungle. Instead, they would have a day side with an unending storm, a frozen night side, and a habitable band in the twilight. You would likely get a climate of tropical wetlands formed from runoff. Whenever you name a location in a galaxy, you also have to name it by two things: a cluster and arm/region. Galaxies are big places. Physiology problems aside, their history, culture and government are way too oversimplified. It's very hard to buy a species that is united under one single culture - the term for that is Planet of Hats. Even within one country, you have multiple sub-cultures. South USA is completely different from New England. Every state in the USA has different laws. Regardless of development, every alien civilization will have had at least some form of religion or belief system during their history even if they don't have one now. The reason for this is that for primitive tribals, it's their only means of rationalizing their world without the technology to obtain a scientific understanding. The last part of this long-winded comment happens to be a pet peeve of mine: What reason do the Kaoom have to visit Earth? Based on what you described for their technology, they wouldn't even be able to leave their star cluster, let alone their galaxy. They would have discovered planets just as interesting nearby, and probably not even know that Earth even exists. Well, that's my two cents. Unless the above issues are remedied somehow, I'm withholding my vote from this.Krayfish (talk) 19:58, April 21, 2013 (UTC) Well, if this pitch is put through (currently I think it needs a lot of work by notes already said) then I think you need to be more specific on where in the Andromeda Galaxy they are. There are lots of places and lots of civilisations, who you interact with will depend on this. Avetzan1 (talk) 21:40, April 21, 2013 (UTC) Fixed everything. Assuming that was you (given the lack of a signature or any identifying mark), my response to that is simple. No you most certainly have not. We know nothing of these allies they've met, nor this enemy they've apparently won a war against. Why are they enemies? What was the war for? Are they still bucking heads or does peace reign? What do their allies offer them? Resources? Manpower? Simple nonagression? I'll leave it to Suppy to rule on the military, but I doubt it'll be favorable. A single ship comprising a star navy makes it an absolute no-factor; No military would even need to factor it into their calculations and plans. It's that weak. How can these Kaooms win a war with a military that lacks a star navy? MORE TECHNOLOGY. How do they travel from system to system? What energy resources do they use? I want you to think of this as a bone fide nation state with an entry in the CIA World Factbook. Give. Us. Everything. Skeletons? Really? I like it, it's original, but skeletons of what? Did they move skeletons to population centres, or did population centres spring up around boneyards? Alright, that government entry made me laugh. That isn't a government. That's a bunch of tribes that are kind of working together. No sovereign state can keep its sovereignty for long with such a loose, decentralized, unorganized government. Mind you, you're going to have to try much, much, '''much harder 'to get me to allow non-corporeal beings. Either come up with something different or give me a really, really good explanation. Also, your English grammar needs work. I can't sugarcoat it out of anglophilia. Work on your apostrophes and plural forms. Also, it's a bit disappointing that they've only domesticated a single species out of their entire biosphere. Humanity has domesticated dogs, cats, rodents, reptiles, cows, pigs, chickens... the list goes on. Domestication doesn't exactly mean pets. It means using them for domestic use such as food, transport, companionship, or other such ammenities. All in all, you've managed to keep my attention, but not altogether in a good way. Give us more, more, and more. If you disappoint me again, I'm going to have to reject the pitch. --It is so spoken, Nra 'Vadumee (talk) 00:37, April 22, 2013 (UTC) I fixed it maybe? Interdimensional403 (talk) 03:05, April 22, 2013 (UTC)interdimensional403Interdimensional403 (talk) 03:05, April 22, 2013 (UTC) Don't worry, Interdimensional403, everybody isn't being mean, they're just trying to help you improve your pitch. Unfortunately writing up a pitch can be a pretty slow process. I recommend you check out some of the approved pitches, along with some of the civilization pages on the wiki, to give you an idea of the kind of thing everyone's looking for. Perhaps write the pitch up on paper over a couple of days, adding bits as you go along, then read through it; if it sounds like the kind of stuff you've read on the wiki, type it up and see what everyone says. That's what I did in my pitch, anyway; and I haven't had my head bitten off yet! Mr.Robbo (talk) 16:08, April 22, 2013 (UTC) Sorry for pasting in the wrong spot kinda hard on a iPad.Interdimensional403 (talk) 00:13, April 24, 2013 (UTC)interdimensional403Interdimensional403 (talk) 00:13, April 24, 2013 (UTC) I'm impressed at how much has been added to this pitch in such a short amount of time. While I'm still a bit skeptical on their evolutionary history, I see much more potential with this creation than I did before. You've demonstrated a willingness to add more elaborations and improvements in response to feedback. Noncorporeal beings are still an ambiguous thing on this wiki, and it's still debated as to what extent they should be allowed, but if Nra is fine with them being used here, then I'll give the greenlight for this pitch. Krayfish (talk) 17:59, April 24, 2013 (UTC) You're getting closer, but I'm still redlighting this pitch. You're showing more potential, but your explanation of their noncorporeal nature is unappealing. If they wanted to expand their army without increasing their logistical strain, why waste time uplifting a primitive race to an unnatural state when they can just build combat droids? Evolving a race aritifically is hard work and it takes a very long time; In the time the Kaoom would become noncorporeal, this civilization would've already ended the war. Not to mention that we know nothing of this mysterious race. In general, there are too many questions left unanswered. Because you ''did improve, and I do think you've got potential, I am only tentatively rejecting the pitch. If, within the next update, you decide to either drop the noncorporeality or to explain it in a more satisfactory way, I will reverse my tentative decision. I might even greenlight it. --It is so spoken, Nra 'Vadumee (talk) 19:29, April 24, 2013 (UTC) The reason you know nothing of the mysterious race is because they're exactly that mysterious.Interdimensional403 (talk) 00:06, April 25, 2013 (UTC)interdimensional403Interdimensional403 (talk) 00:06, April 25, 2013 (UTC) Although you don't have to reveal the identity of the otherworldly beings to characters in-universe, you'll still have to explain them anyway as they play a crucial role in the Kaoom becoming non-corporeal. If you as the author don't know their identity, then it becomes something incredibly vague and prone to inconsistencies. There's lots of existing species in Andromeda that could fulfill the role of this mysterious race such as the Nuuska, Estin etc. You may want to choose one of them.Krayfish (talk) 00:21, April 25, 2013 (UTC) Fixed it maybe?? Interdimensional403 (talk) 00:30, April 25, 2013 (UTC)interdimensional403Interdimensional403 (talk) 00:30, April 25, 2013 (UTC) What kind of energy are they made up of? Mr.Robbo (talk) 15:21, April 25, 2013 (UTC) I take it the Skojan were that mysterious race then. I just want it noted that to evolve them at that point this means they would have been non-corporeal life-forms for at the least a bit over 3.5 billion years ago...If that works out then that's fine, but no closer to our time would they have interfered with non-civilisation-beings. If this is approved then a bit more may be added to the downfall of the Skojan civilisation. :-) Avetzan1 (talk) 20:47, April 25, 2013 (UTC) What kind of energy would be most possible. Interdimensional403 (talk) 02:46, April 26, 2013 (UTC)interdimensional403Interdimensional403 (talk) 02:46, April 26, 2013 (UTC) I came across an interesting hard science website that happens to have an entry on non-corporeal beings. They analyze various explanations as to how it could occur: http://www.hardsf.org/TechBody.htm Krayfish (talk) 03:03, April 26, 2013 (UTC) I'd say they'd be made of fields. Interdimensional403 (talk) 03:12, April 26, 2013 (UTC)interdimensional403Interdimensional403 (talk) 03:12, April 26, 2013 (UTC) The fields idea sounds reasonable. However, I'm still unclear if you mean for the Kaoom to have artificially made themselves non-corporeal, or if they evolved over time naturally. In the case of the latter, you may want to consider the following: If we assume that the Kaoom did actually evolve from being corporeal to non-corporeal, then the drastic change in their physiology could be catastrophic to them as an entire species. It could be the death of the Kaoom species as we know it, because it's been seen in nature that animals don't respond well to large scale changes in their genetic makeup in a short period of time. True, there's punctuated equilibrium, but this is on the scale of a 100% DNA overhaul. However, if they were non-corporeal from the beginning, then it would make sense for there to be thousands if not millions of other non-corporeal species on their planet. You would definitely want to alter their homeworld to support such an exotic ecosystem. I'll see what you come up with first before offering more on that topic.Krayfish (talk) 13:51, April 26, 2013 (UTC) There would need to be something to produce the fields. As far as I know you can't just have an electromagnetic or a gravitational field that can just 'exist' with nothing to sustain it (apart from in extreme circumstances such as random quantum fluctuations and black holes). Incedentally, what do the Kaoom 'eat;' or to word it better, what kind of energy do the Kaoom receive to sustain themselves (for example, we are powered by chemical energy in food)? Mr.Robbo (talk) 18:20, April 26, 2013 (UTC) They were made non corporeal artificially they didn't evolve noncorporeality. Interdimensional403 (talk) 22:11, April 26, 2013 (UTC)interdimensional403Interdimensional403 (talk) 22:11, April 26, 2013 (UTC) What I was referring to was "a field is created around something exerting a force" in your source. In other words you still need, for example, a magnet to produce a magnetic field or a mass to produce a gravitational field. You could not have noncorporeal life composed solely of fields. I recommend having the Kaoom composed of plasma instead; they wouldn't exactly be noncorporeal, but the science would work a lot better; look here and here for more information. I was planning to introduce some form of plasma life after I was satisfied with the Zambarau Concord, but I think you could do a lot more with the idea. Mr.Robbo (talk) 10:46, April 28, 2013 (UTC) For the time being, I'm willing to give a greenlight for this mainly because of the amount of detail put in so far. It still needs refining, yes, but for what you have now, it is entirely workable. Either Suppy's or Nra's greenlight will be required before this pitch gets officially approved as per the rules. By the way, you only need to have one pitch approved for you to make creations here. So if this gets greenlit, then you'll also be able to make articles on the Amphibiax.Krayfish (talk) 13:03, May 2, 2013 (UTC) Before I greenlight this, I think you should click the Live! Chat button so you can talk with Kray or I. "How do you say it? Jagdpanther? Yagdpanther? I'll just call it Steve." - SupcommMonroee (talk) 01:27, May 3, 2013 (UTC) InterD is unable to go on chat due to the age requirement.Krayfish (talk) 03:10, May 3, 2013 (UTC) Verdict Since it's been a week since the last time I response has been posted, this pitch is getting automatically declined. If you wish to recycle this idea later, please make a separate pitch. Krayfish (talk) 22:25, May 10, 2013 (UTC) Category:Denied pitches